Hello World!

And welcome to another day of X-Men!

Man, I gotta tell ya… I really hope Pinkie gets me to read some other X-Men stuff soon, because I’m really just not digging this Bendis stuff. I mean…it’s been going so well! I’ve given out so many perfect scores! And now?…

Ehhhhh…

Before I go any further, though, I’ll list the previous ten Days of Bendis in case you missed any, or just want to go back and check any old reviews out again!

Day One

Day Two

Day Three

Day Four

Day Five

Day Six

Day Seven

Day Eight

Day Nine

Day Ten

Now, without further ado, let’s get on with it.

SPOILERS: This is the most exciting thing to happen in the comic. Panel taken from a comic by ©Marvel. Art by Chris Bachalo.

MY THOUGHTS

Ehhhhh…

So…I said in my Day Nine review on Guardians of the Galaxy that the plot summary was basically a conversation and a fight scene, right?

Well, this issue is similar. It’s a conversation and a single fight. The difference here is that the conversation is, like, 90% of the comic, and the fight is a flashback triggered by the conversation and consists of about five panels of legitimate action.

Look at this. Look at this sexy, silver fox’s mouth. You ain’t tellin’ me this is ANYONE other than my boi, Erik. Panel taken from a comic by ©Marvel. Art by Chris Bachalo.

So…basically…this is fucking dull.

Even more dull than Spider-Woman: Agent of S.W.O.R.D.

I just…God help me, I was so BORED reading this. I was just waiting for the climax to hit, y’know? Like, hey, this conversation will go somewhere, and when that ball drops THEN the action starts, right?

WRONG.

Nothing happens.

This is an issue that, with proper editing, could have and SHOULD have been cut down to like, four or five pages TOPS.

Before I go on with my criticism, I’ll give you a quick summary.

Basically, Scott Summers, aka. Cyclops, and his group from yesterday’s issue are still on the loose and collecting recruits for the big Mutant Revolution. I guess I was right about Beast’s time travel plot NOT FUCKING WORKING.

But that’s by the by.

Anyway, Scott and his terrorists are freaking out S.H.I.E.L.D., and Director Maria Hill (who was appointed head of S.H.I.E.L.D. after Bendis’ own Secret War) is trying to deal. She does this by entertaining Erik Lensherr, aka. Magneto, who has apparently turned himself in to the authorities to stop Scott. He’s also shaved his head because I guess Bendis wanted to try and trick us into thinking Professor X was back to stop the man who murdered him. But it’s a pointless reveal because it’s so painfully obvious it’s fucking Magneto that…like…WHY!? Honestly why?

Bendis…honey…stop. You’re not fooling anyone. It’s not fucking Charles. Panel taken from a comic by ©Marvel. Art by Chris Bachalo.

He even refers to himself in his little flashback story in the third person, as if that’s going to throw ANYONE fucking off the scent. Like…he looks like Magneto, acts like Magneto, and monologues like Magneto. He also pulls out a little bit of metal, which causes Director Hill and her men to flip shit. Now, if that WAS Professor X, they wouldn’t fucking care. Would they?

So stupid…

ALSO, FUCKING BENDIS. SIR. IT’S ERIK LENSHERR. NOT ERIC.

IDIOT SPELLS THIS ICONIC VILLAIN’S NAME WRONG. HOW EVEN!??!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!

FUCK.

Anyway…

The only reason Magneto even gets this audience with Hill is because he promises he has info that she doesn’t. What is this info? Well, it’s that apparently, after being possessed by the Phoenix Force (the thing that gave Jean Grey her ridonkulous powers), his powers broke and now he can’t control them. Magneto suggests, instead of killing Scott (like he’s sure Hill is thinking of doing), she should expose him for being weak and out of control, as this will cause the movement to fumble. Or at least, it has a better chance of causing the movement to fumble as opposed to martyring Scott.

The aforementioned flashback fight is part of Magneto’s big speech to Hill to convince her that his info is legit, referring to an incident that occurred only the day before that she apparently knows nothing about…sounds like she’s doing great as the head of S.H.I.E.L.D. She’s been in this position for what, like 8 years now, and she can’t even keep up with the daily terrorist attacks? Nick Fury would be ashamed.

Erik. IT’S ERIK. WITH A K. Panel taken from a comic by ©Marvel. Art by Chris Bachalo.

I guess there’s the possibility that she’s playing dumb, but 1. there’s no reason for her to do this, and 2. it’s REALLY not written that way. Bendis just writes her like this is a total slip up on her part. Sigh…whatever.

Anyway, the flashback shows the terrorist X-Men picking up a new mutant kid as he’s being arrested by some cops for accidentally using his new powers on someone trying to rob him. There’s about 2 seconds of fighting cops, then some talking, then Sentinels show up to try and kill them. Magneto thinks Hill sent them, by the way, but she denies this.

Magneto takes out a few, but we learn that his powers are totally fucked right now. Apparently Scott zapped them and made them super weak when he had the Phoenix Force or something…Pinkie explained this to me in slightly more detail, but it doesn’t stop it from making it sound super contrived and stupid.

Pinkie also explained a little more about why Scott’s powers are fucked. I guess when the Phoenix Force was possessing him and four other mutants, it enhanced their powers. Then, like in a video game, each of the Phoenix Five were eventually taken out. When this happened, the piece of Phoenix that possessed them left and infected the others, giving them more power.

Apparently the last two bosses were Scott Summers and Emma Frost, meaning that they each had half the Phoenix Force’s power, and it basically short-circuited them. Another member of the Phoenix Five named Magik, who is part of Scott’s little terrorist group, actually became MORE powerful after the Phoenix left her when she was defeated. Again, Pinkie says this is because she was defeated early on and didn’t have to deal with as much of the Phoenix as Emma and Scott did.

I have my own theory. I mentioned last time that Scott and Emma had an affair while Scott and Jean where married. Pinkie has informed me that the Phoenix Force eventually possesses Wolverine, and he alludes to the fact that she still talks about Jean. This is millions of years in the future. Jean is basically Phoenix’s favourite person. Like EVER. And these are the two people who have hurt her the most. They broke her favourite person’s heart. I think Phoenix fucked them on purpose. But that’s just my theory.

At least the artist knew to draw Scott like a dick. Panel taken from a comic by ©Marvel. Art by Chris Bachalo.

Magneto also killed Jean Grey once during Grant Morrison’s tenure on X-Men, and since he’s the only mutant we know of who’s powers are now fucked after being hit by some Phoenix Five member’s attack, maybe Phoenix decided to fuck with him too.

Anyway, that’s my theory and I’m sticking to it!

#WolverinexJean4ever

There are still more Sentinels, however, so Scott then uses his powers to blast the Sentinels to bits. He blasts a canyon into the city and then semi-passes out. Magneto explains that he’s going to be retraining how to use his powers since they’re so volatile. However, until he retrains himself, it’ll be very easy to set him off. His powers are so unstable, apparently, that he could easily accidentally kill allies as well as enemies any time he uses them.

Magneto then explains that the reason he’s doing all this is because Scott murdered his best friend (and enemy, but who’s counting that part?) and he doesn’t want this guy to be the face of the mutants’ future.

Then the issue ends with a creepy, racist anti-mutant article expositing the “story thus far” when it comes to the whole Phoenix Force stuff.

So…geez, like, I don’t even know what to say. It was crap. It was so goddamn boring. And thanks for revealing what’s going on right off the bat!

I mentioned how this issue, in any other comic, should have comprised all of 4-5 pages right? Well, in my opinion, it would have been SO MUCH BETTER if Bendis had held off on the reveal for longer.

End the Magneto shit when he tells Hill that “yo, his powers dun work”, then maybe cut over to Scott and Emma as he’s recovering from the previous day’s venture and they can allude to the issue without explicitly telling the audience. Then maybe take whatever action I’m guessing will comprise the majority of the next issue and end this issue with the start of THAT conflict. Don’t just TELL us what the whole plot line is going to be about!

Goddamn it! THIS IS NOT A REVEAL. Panel taken from a comic by ©Marvel. Art by Chris Bachalo.

EVERY OTHER Bendis issue I’ve read thus far has held some intrigue. He has more than demonstrated that he knows how to build suspense and mystery, and do it WELL, and bring readers back for more. Even if the over-all storyline ends up being a let down, you can’t deny that his first issues are well done and succeed in drawing in readers. Even the two issues #1 I didn’t like all that much still held my interest enough to want to read another issue or two to see where the story is going.

This one does NONE of this.

I don’t care about anyone in the story. Not even Magneto!

It’s boring, it focuses on a plot line (Scott’s revolution) I don’t fucking care about AT ALL, and it offers me NOTHING as a reader. Why would I read any more? Why does this series go on for thirty-six issues!? This plot could be solved in three issues, MAX. Why would I want to commit to such a long fucking series on such a dull, nothing story!?!?!?!?!

I would honestly rate this issue lower, but the writing itself is perfectly fine. The story is crap, and I was really bored after the halfway point in the comic, but the actual dialogue itself isn’t bad. It’s not unreadable, it’s not riddled with errors (except spelling an iconic character’s fucking name wrong, goddammit), it’s fine.

It’s fine.

It’s perfectly fine.

It’s JUST fine.

Actually it’s not…it’s WAAAAY too fucking wordy, and I feel like every dialogue bubble is a fucking waste but…WHATEVER. I’m sticking with 1.5 stars.

NEXT TIME…

The (hopefully) climactic end to the Twelve Days of Bendis is finally upon us, folks! Get your popcorn, get your fuzzy blankets, and get your reading glasses. We’ll be looking at Bendis’ run on The Defenders next.

Pinkie is very evasive when it comes to talking about this, but he’s made it pretty clear to me he’s not a fan of this issue in the least. Considering what this issue is like, I can say I’m not exactly looking forward to this…

Until next time.

Love,

theMadCEHMist

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas, Bendis Gave to Me: Eleven Pained Sighs of Boredom...
Crap. Crap crap crap crap crap. This issue is so boring it was nearly painful to read, and the more I thought about it afterwards the more it pissed me off. This is one of the most boring issues I've ever read, and it sets up a story around an X-Men character I don't particularly like and think is kind of an irredeemable asshole (at least during this "revolution" storyline). I'm glad Magneto is acting like a good guy, but that's not enough to make me stick around. This is one story I WON'T be reading any more of in the future. Unless Pinkie forces me to... Uh... Pinkie? Please don't force me to...
The Good
  • I got to see Scott Summers in pain briefly. I'm not a huge fan of Cyclops. James Marsden was cool tho.
The Bad
  • Boring.
  • Trite.
  • Pointless.
1.5Pointless Reveals out of 5

2 Responses

  1. Darklight

    This reminds me of when Batman: Hush had Hush flip a coin for no other reason then to try and trick people into thinking he was Two-Face. Though this is probably worse.

    Reply
    • TheMadCEHMist

      Yeah. At least Jim Lee drew that coin. It’s a damn fine coin. The art in this issue is JANKY. Seriously, this artist has a major problem staying on-model. No one looks the same panel-to-panel.

      Reply

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